goodbye, my sweetest friend

hide & seek - Imogen Heap

Where are we?

what the hell is going on?

the dust has only

just begun to fall

Crop circles in the carpet

Sinking feeling

Spin me round again

and rub my eyes

this can't be happening

when busy streets a mess with people

would stop to hold their heads heavy

Hide and seek

Trains and sewing machines

All those years

They were here first

oily marks appear on walls

where pleasure moments hung before

the takeover

the sweeping insensitivity

of this

still life

Hide and seek

trains and sewing machines

Blood and tears

They were here first

mm what d'ya say?

that you only meant well, well of course you did

this it's all for the best, of course it is

that it's just what we need, you decided this?

what did you say?

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth

Mid sweet talk newspaper word cut outs

Speak no feeling no I don't believe you

you don't care a bit

and i begin.. again.

a good friend of mine asked me tonight.

why did you delete your blog?

i don't know, i just didn't have time for it. i wasn't writing anything.

sarah, why did you delete your blog?

depression

well, that's what we do when we get depressed, cut social ties.
now what do we do when we come out of depression.

i have no idea

we reconnect.

yes. you're right.

should i bother with labels? is there truly a label for everything in life? the truth of the matter is. i am and have been going through some things. instead of reaching out, i've withdrawn. i've never been good at asking for help or admitting that i need it. i'm not even sure if i do need help. the steps that i've taken over the last month alone, have cut me to the quick and yet resolved things for me as well. who is it that said that doing the right thing, doesn't always feel great. but it still remains the right thing to do.

i've done the right thing, for me. Joshua has moved out. the house will soon be on the market. i will be moving out on my own. that's not something i've done before, i've always lived with someone else. i think it's time i've spent time alone, introspection is healthy. i need to re-learn what i want in life.

2009 has been the year of the tattoo. in my 32 years. i've had piercings and dyed my hair weird junky colors or shaved it off completely. but this year. this year, i've gotten not 1, but 3 tattoos. all of them meaningful to me. the first. breathe (always remember to breathe) the second. dragonflies (solidarity for my sister) love, strength and courage. and the third and still healing. a pink ribbon for MOM (she's a survivor) tattoos are more than a form of self expression, they are a release in many ways and a reminder. not to mention, severely addictive.